Learning to slow down
Pregnancy and motherhood have taught me a lot about myself. They have forced me to look inside myself, tested my faith, my patience and taught me how much I yearned to be a mother. Like most women I assumed children would naturally come. Once I decided I was ready to have them then nine months later they would be safely placed in my arms. Looking back, I realize how naive this notion was. After unexpectedly loosing our first child I constantly feared I would not be able to have another child. I feared this not for any medical or logical reason, but more out of not understanding how my life was going to look.
Pregnancy has exposed my deepest fears and has allowed me to love in profound new ways. From the moment I found out I was pregnant again, I instantly fell in love with this child growing inside of me. With Asher, Cameron liked to tease me I was "baby crazy" because I was always making lists, making plans and worrying about things like how many size 0-3 month sleepers we had. With this baby things have been a little different, although I have planned and prepared to the best of my ability I have also spent forty weeks on high alert. I have endured weekly doctor appointments, non stress tests and additional ultrasounds. I have been in tune to every change in my body. I have been aware of every pound I have gained, every ache and pain I have felt, and anticipated each kick and punch from our baby more than Christmas day itself. With this baby I have become larger sooner and temporarily given up some of the things I enjoyed most in life like running and hiking. Once it became evident the physical demands these activities were placing on my body outweighed the positives I had to temporarily walk away from these hobbies.
As I've traded my daily runs and weekend hikes for neighborhood walks and city exploring I have both literally and figuratively slowed down. Being pregnant this time I have experienced heartfelt gratitude for every week that passes, for every good doctor appointment I've had and for every reassuring indicator that our baby is both happy and healthy. Throughout this experience we have been reminded of how much we are loved, how much we are prayed for and how eager everyone is to meet our little guy. Having this baby not only fulfills our hopes and dreams, but countless others who have wanted this for us long before we ever did. This baby is coming into a world with an army of people ready to love him. For that I will always feel grateful and be humbled. As I have told him many times while he has been in the womb, "I am not excited to be your mother, I am honored to be your mother." The day I will be able to hold him in my arms will be one of the greatest moments of my life, for that I am certain.
