This week, we are coming upon the one year anniversary of our son passing away. As the day rapidly approaches I feel a mixture of emotions. If you ask anyone who has lost a loved one, they will tell you the first year is always the hardest. That being said, I think it is easy to be hard on yourself whenever you have a bad day.
Over the past year, I have found it important to be honest and open with my feelings. I have felt my emotions to the fullest sense and much to my own chagrin have never suppressed them. As a result, I have altered friendships, alienated people and chosen at times to be more guarded. Even when I sensed speaking about my son might make others feel uncomfortable, I have remained true to myself and done so as it has felt appropriate.
I have been equally impressed and hurt by people as I have learned the vastness and limitations of my friendships. I have been given the unique opportunity to let down my guard, set aside my pride and allow others to serve me. Cameron and I have been the honored recipient of countless service, well wishes, phone calls, cards and gifts.
My heart has been open to new feelings of despair, loneliness, disappointment and grief. I have more fully felt the highs and lows of this earthly experience. I am now better equipped to "bear one another's burdens". I have proven to myself I can be happy despite my circumstances. I can choose to start everyday with a thankful heart and pray for more gratitude.
Because of Asher, we have learned the enormity of infant loss. We have worked this past year with Teeny Tears to provide bereavement items for families who have suffered similar losses. This project has proved essential to my personal healing and the ability to connect with other mothers who have experienced similar losses has been priceless.
Over the past year, our marriage has been tested. We have grown closer and stronger as a couple as we have struggled with our newfound identity and walked our own personal paths to healing. Even though this loss happened to us as a couple, we have not experienced it the same way. We have refocused our priorities and learned to rely on each other in new ways. We have laughed, cried and persevered our way through this year. If our marriage can come out stronger this year, we can survive anything.
Read about our story here and our donations effort here, here and here.
If you would like to get involved with Teeny Tears and know how to trace, cut, sew, crochet or knit we are in constant need of helping hands. Please feel free to email me at lisettewoltermckinley@hotmail.com for more details.
(I share a portion of what I have been going through in hopes this might prove useful for someone else who is grieving.)
